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Civil Engineering Jokes

  • 1.  Civil Engineering Jokes

    Posted 06-25-2019 02:05 PM
    What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

    Tirza Austin
    Senior Coordinator, Online Community
    American Society of Civil Engineers
    1801 Alexander Bell Drive
    Reston, VA 20191

  • 2.  RE: Civil Engineering Jokes

    Posted 06-25-2019 05:23 PM
    Edited by Tirza Austin 06-25-2019 05:23 PM
    So, its about 1961, and I am ever so proudly part of a land survey crew working in a local neighborhood.

    A young boy comes out from his house and states "My mom wants to know what you are doing here!"

    I state "Well, we're surveyors!"

    And as the crew continues down the street, I hear his mom ask "Well, what are they doing Tommy?"

    To which Tommy responds "Don't worry mom, they are survivors!"

    William M. Hayden Jr., Ph.D., P.E., CMQ/OE, F.ASCE
    Buffalo, N.Y.

    "It is never too late to be what you might have been." -- George Eliot 1819 - 1880

  • 3.  RE: Civil Engineering Jokes

    Posted 06-26-2019 08:10 AM
    In the "you can't make this stuff up" spirit of Bill Hayden, I offer this story: The informative newspaper article described my city's plans to build a new wastewater treatment plant. Its processes included tertiary treatment.

    A few days later, a letter to the editor complained about the project. The writer stated that a fine community like ours deserved better than third-rate wastewater treatment.

    Stu Walesh PhD, PE
    Consultant - Teacher - Author

  • 4.  RE: Civil Engineering Jokes

    Posted 06-26-2019 08:12 AM
    Edited by Tirza Austin 06-26-2019 08:11 AM

    A recent graduated chemical Engineer joined his family after schooling. The engineer tends to use chemical formulas to let his families know of his chemical knowledge. The engineer would call out to add C12H22O11  in his cup of coffee, instead of saying sugar. The engineer would also called NaCl to be put on his food, instead of saying salt. Once he called mom, can you provide me a glass of H2O? his mom replied sure, do you want distilled water or deionized water? The engineer paused for second and said let me use the restroom. Can you tell why the chemical engineer said using the restroom?  Because the engineer went to check his cheat sheet.

    Sayed Maqsood S.M.ASCE
    Alameda CA

  • 5.  RE: Civil Engineering Jokes

    Posted 06-26-2019 10:09 AM
    Edited by Tirza Austin 06-26-2019 10:09 AM
    Engineers are often perceived to be cold and calculating.  My favorite engineer joke plays on that theme:

    One day a physician, a minister and an engineer were playing golf together.  The threesome came up on a group in front of them that were terrible golfers.  The trailing threesome couldn't get their attention and the group in front never offered to let them play through.
    The threesome quickly began to lose patience over the slow play.
    Finally the golf course ranger came up on the group.  The doctor complained about the slow group and even the minister lodged a complaint.
    The ranger's reply was that you must be newer members and not know about what happened.  About 5years ago, the clubhouse caught fire.  These men were part of the firemen that came to put out the blaze.  A terrible tragedy occurred.  They fell through the roof and as a result they are all blind.  As a result, the club lets them play whenever they want.

    The doctor is empathetic and says that he knows people in the medical community.  Maybe they could be re-examined to see if at least partial sight could be restored.
    The minister says that the church should reach out to the men and maybe have a covered dish supper to minister to them and have some members visit.
    The engineer asks why can't they play at night?????

    Robert Lee
    Alabama DOT

  • 6.  RE: Civil Engineering Jokes

    Posted 06-26-2019 10:19 AM
    What did the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall?........ Dam!

    Jeffrey Decoteau P.E.,M.ASCE
    Senior Project Manager
    Stanley Consulting< Inc
    Baton Rouge LA
    (225) 246-8620

  • 7.  RE: Civil Engineering Jokes

    Posted 06-26-2019 01:00 PM
    Back in the late 1970s, early 1980s, when the price of oil skyrocketed,
    the demand for civil engineers in Houston,Texas, matched that spiral.

    Of course, the good-natured...mainly...jesting between us New York Yankees and
    the Longhorns and Aggies provided many opportunities for laughs.
    One of my favorites follows.

    After hours of good-natured ribbing. . . and a few brews. . . between the NY Yankee and the cowboy civil engineers,
    the cowboy just had enough of the "Yes, us NY Yankees can do anything, and do it better!"

    So by now, the sun had set, and it was a particularly dark night. So the cowboy said, as he took out his
    powerful single beam flashlight, and held it so that the beam went vertical, straight up into the dark, night sky,
    "Can you climb this beam up into the night sky?"

    Without hesitation, the New York engineer said "Of course I can, but I won't!"

    "Why not?" asked the cowboy?

    "Because after I get halfway up,
    you'll just turn the flashlight off!"

    William M. Hayden Jr., Ph.D., P.E., CMQ/OE, F.ASCE
    Buffalo, N.Y.

    "It is never too late to be what you might have been." -- George Eliot 1819 - 1880

  • 8.  RE: Civil Engineering Jokes

    Posted 06-26-2019 09:50 PM
    Edited by Tirza Austin 06-27-2019 10:57 AM
    In a hot summer day, a senior structural engineer fell in love with a lady who crossed the street. The engineer started following that lady to communicate his feelings. The lady was living on 46th floor, in a high rise residential and unluckily the power was shutdown that day all over the city. Since the elevator was out of service, the lady had to take stairs all the way to 46th floor and the structural engineer was still following. After 45 minute walk up the stairs, the lady arrived to her apartment. She left a note on the door saying, ''Sorry nobody is at home.'' A few minutes after the engineer with his blue backpack, very exhausted and and with sweat all over, arrived and read her notice left on the door. The structural engineer got nervous and took out his pen and left a comment saying ''No! I didn't not follow you!"

    Sayed Maqsood S.M.ASCE
    Currently Looking for Employment
    Alameda CA

  • 9.  RE: Civil Engineering Jokes

    Posted 06-27-2019 04:12 PM

    A joke or a little story? . . . but it is all about engineers.

    It was during the good old days. Frank was worried about his daughter Josephine. She hardly hangs out with boys, instead buries herself in reading novels – Jane Austen and all that . . . Good Lord, how will she ever get married?

    But one day a matchmaker arrived with a marriage proposal. An engineer wanted to marry Josie. Frank and his wife Mary got very excited, and went to their daughter to declare the good news. But Josie was not in a mood, and flatly denied to marry. She had an eye for a neighborhood boy, but never told her parents. Anyway after long persuasion, she agreed to meet the engineer.

    The well-dressed engineer came on a good day riding on a fancy horse-drawn carriage. Mary made sure that Josie had the right makeup and dress. They talked and dined, and finally the engineer left.

    Mary asked, "Josie dear, isn't he a nice gentleman? What do you think?"

    Josie angrily replied, "What do I think! Mom, the guy even did not bring a nice flower. He was talking to you and dad all the time, without even looking at me, as if I do not exist. No way, I am not going to marry that man." So saying Josie stormed out of the room.

    Frank and Mary got utterly disappointed. Then Mary smiled to Frank, "Wait, I have got an idea." Josie had a broken mirror in her room, it was her favorite. Frank bought her a new mirror, but Josie would not let the old broken one go.

    Mary went to Josie's room, and comforted her. Then she said, "You know Josie, the engineer can fix your mirror."

    Suddenly, Josie's face brightened up, "Really, mom?"

    "Of course, dear! Engineers can fix anything.", Came the reply from the hopeful mother.

    Smile came on Josie's face, she hugged her mother, "Ok, I will do it."

    Frank never asked Mary about her magic, but they became a happy parent to see their daughter getting married.

    Dr. Dilip Barua, Ph.D, P.Eng, M. ASCE
    Vancouver, BC, Canada
    Website: https://widecanvas.weebly.com

  • 10.  RE: Civil Engineering Jokes

    Posted 06-27-2019 01:17 PM
    Edited by Tirza Austin 06-27-2019 01:16 PM
    It was one of those days during the French Revolution: Three men were lined up to be executed by the Guillotine. The first, a priest, asked as his last wish, to have his face pointing upward so that he could see God. He was granted his wish. As the blade raced downward, it stopped just an inch above his neck. A miracle, praise the Lord. The second man, a Mathematician, asked to have his face upward too since it seems to improve the odds of survival. Once again the blade whizzed down, only to stop an inch above his neck. Mathematics helps. The third was an Engineer. He asked for the same because he wanted to see what's wrong with the Guillotine. When it stopped one inch above his neck, he exclaimed: I see why it stopped, there's a screw blocking it. So they fixed it; it was his last engineering advice.

    Neil Kazen, M.Eng., M.Sc., P.Eng.
    Retired Structural Engineering Manager, Transportation Division, SNC-Lavalin
    Toronto, Ontario, Canada

  • 11.  RE: Civil Engineering Jokes

    Posted 06-28-2019 01:25 PM
    Edited by Tirza Austin 06-28-2019 01:25 PM
    It was a roaring crowd at the annual Engineer's Convention.  During the proceedings a member of each engineering discipline was given a chance to expand upon their role in the engineering field.  A Mechanical Engineer rose to the podium first and exclaimed, "I'm certain that God must have been a Mechanical Engineer.  Look at the skeletal bone structure, the way in which each joint smoothly rotates, and how muscles and tendons oversee a vast range of motion.  God's roots must be in Mechanical Engineering."  The crowd was impressed, but then the next to rise and speak was an Electrical Engineer.  "I'm even more certain that God was an Electrical Engineer!  Look at the nervous system, how tiny electrical impulses control every bodily function, and how messages are sent to and from the brain instantaneously.  Yes, God had to have been an Electrical Engineer."  Not to be outdone, the Civil Engineer came up to the stage last and exclaimed, "God most certainly had to have been a Civil Engineer!  Who else would install a waste treatment plant next to a recreation area?"

    Daniel Dovey P.E.,M.ASCE
    Engineer III
    King County DOT
    Bellevue WA


  • 12.  RE: Civil Engineering Jokes

    Posted 06-28-2019 03:59 PM
    Here is a fun joke that I heard:

    Want to hear a joke about construction?  I'm still working on it...

    Jameelah Ingram P.E., M. ASCE
    Washington, D.C.

  • 13.  RE: Civil Engineering Jokes

    Posted 07-03-2019 03:30 PM
    That's a great joke I have heard and repeated before. But it makes more sense to me to end with a line that God must NOT be a civil engineer. And to be more precise (and even worse from a CE perspective) for us males the waste water line is shared by the recreational area...

    Brett Hoffstadt EIT,A.M.ASCE
    Folsom CA

  • 14.  RE: Civil Engineering Jokes

    Posted 06-30-2019 11:26 AM
    Edited by Tirza Austin 06-30-2019 11:25 AM
    I recall hearing this at an ASCE convention held sometime after the 1993 flooding in the Midwest.  My apologies to the original storyteller.

    A minister was standing in the churchyard when the county engineer came by and said, "Reverend, you'd better leave because the river is rising."  The minister replied, "Thank you, but the Lord will take care of me."

    Later the minister is on the church steps, water lapping at his feet.  The county sheriff came by in a boat and said, "Reverend, the river will be rising higher.  Get in and we'll take you to safety."  The minister replied, "Thank you, but the Lord will take care of me."

    Still later the minister is on the church roof, the water still rising.  A Coast Guard helicopter came by and a rescuer called out, "Reverend, we'll save you.  Climb aboard."  The minister replied, "Thank you, but the Lord will take care of me."

    Later, as the minister was checking in at the Pearly Gates, he said, "Lord, I thought you would take care of me."  The Lord replied, "Reverend, I sent three messengers."

    Ed Fischer, M.ASCE
    Hydrologist, Retired
    Iowa City, IA

  • 15.  RE: Civil Engineering Jokes

    Posted 07-02-2019 06:29 PM
    My favorite engineering joke. I'm sorry this is a day late.

    Q: How can you tell the difference between an extroverted and an introverted engineer? 
    A: The extroverted engineer looks at YOUR shoes when you meet them.

    Stephen Niemeyer P.E.,M.ASCE
    Deputy Director, Environmental Services Department, Jefferson County Commission
    Birmingham AL
    (512) 638-3415

  • 16.  RE: Civil Engineering Jokes

    Posted 07-03-2019 10:10 AM
    Q: What did one concrete slab say to the other concrete slab? 
    A: Lets get crackin!

    Alice Roache A.M.ASCE
    OHM Advisors

  • 17.  RE: Civil Engineering Jokes

    Posted 07-03-2019 10:30 AM
    Just one that the Waste Department personnel like to constantly remind me of when they see me...

    Q:  Does anyone know the difference between cowboy boots and engineering boots?

    A:  Yes.  The BS is on the outside of the cowboy's boots.

    James Hollen P.E.,M.ASCE
    City Engineer
    (304)472-1651 EXT 1006

  • 18.  RE: Civil Engineering Jokes

    Posted 07-03-2019 12:08 PM
    I'm sure I heard this in college.

    What's the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer? A mechanical engineer builds weapons and a civil engineer builds targets.

    David Hook P.E.,M.ASCE
    San Jose CA
    (408) 226-1728

  • 19.  RE: Civil Engineering Jokes

    Posted 07-03-2019 03:30 PM
    I was going to submit that one here. Thanks David. Except I learned and repeat it as the difference between aerospace engineers and civil engineers.

    Brett Hoffstadt EIT,A.M.ASCE
    Folsom CA

  • 20.  RE: Civil Engineering Jokes

    Posted 07-03-2019 03:05 PM
    Edited by Tirza Austin 07-03-2019 03:04 PM
    Two civil engineering students meet and one has a bike. The other say "Cool bike. Where did you get it?" The first engineer says that a woman riding the bike stopped in front of him, laid the bike down, took off all her clothes and said "Take what you want".   The other engineer thought for a moment and said, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't fit".

    Thomas Zannino P.E.,M.ASCE
    Manakin Sabot VA
    (804) 262-0299

  • 21.  RE: Civil Engineering Jokes