Discussion: View Thread

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------

So, its about 1961, and I am ever so proudly part of a land survey crew working in a local neighborhood.

A young boy comes out from his house and states "My mom wants to know what you are doing here!"

I state "Well, we're surveyors!"

And as the crew continues down the street, I hear his mom ask "Well, what are they doing Tommy?"

To which Tommy responds "Don't worry mom, they are survivors!"

------------------------------
William M. Hayden Jr., Ph.D., P.E., CMQ/OE, F.ASCE
Buffalo, N.Y.

"It is never too late to be what you might have been." -- George Eliot 1819 - 1880
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------

In the "you can't make this stuff up" spirit of Bill Hayden, I offer this story: The informative newspaper article described my city's plans to build a new wastewater treatment plant. Its processes included tertiary treatment.

A few days later, a letter to the editor complained about the project. The writer stated that a fine community like ours deserved better than third-rate wastewater treatment.

------------------------------
Stu Walesh PhD, PE
Consultant - Teacher - Author
219-242-1704
www.HelpingYouEngineerYourFuture.com
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------

A recent graduated chemical Engineer joined his family after schooling. The engineer tends to use chemical formulas to let his families know of his chemical knowledge. The engineer would call out to add C₁₂H₂₂O₁₁  in his cup of coffee, instead of saying sugar. The engineer would also called NaCl to be put on his food, instead of saying salt. Once he called mom, can you provide me a glass of H2O? his mom replied sure, do you want distilled water or deionized water? The engineer paused for second and said let me use the restroom. Can you tell why the chemical engineer said using the restroom?  Because the engineer went to check his cheat sheet.

------------------------------
Sayed Maqsood S.M.ASCE
Alameda CA
(510)830-6285
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------

Engineers are often perceived to be cold and calculating.  My favorite engineer joke plays on that theme:

One day a physician, a minister and an engineer were playing golf together.  The threesome came up on a group in front of them that were terrible golfers.  The trailing threesome couldn't get their attention and the group in front never offered to let them play through.
The threesome quickly began to lose patience over the slow play.
Finally the golf course ranger came up on the group.  The doctor complained about the slow group and even the minister lodged a complaint.
The ranger's reply was that you must be newer members and not know about what happened.  About 5years ago, the clubhouse caught fire.  These men were part of the firemen that came to put out the blaze.  A terrible tragedy occurred.  They fell through the roof and as a result they are all blind.  As a result, the club lets them play whenever they want.

The doctor is empathetic and says that he knows people in the medical community.  Maybe they could be re-examined to see if at least partial sight could be restored.
The minister says that the church should reach out to the men and maybe have a covered dish supper to minister to them and have some members visit.
The engineer asks why can't they play at night?????

------------------------------
Robert Lee
Alabama DOT
P.E.,M.ASCE
Montgomery,AL[
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------

What did the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall?........ Dam!


------------------------------
Jeffrey Decoteau P.E.,M.ASCE
Senior Project Manager
Stanley Consulting< Inc
Baton Rouge LA
(225) 246-8620
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 06-26-2019 09:37
From: Robert Lee
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

Engineers are often perceived to be cold and calculating.  My favorite engineer joke plays on that theme:

One day a physician, a minister and an engineer were playing golf together.  The threesome came up on a group in front of them that were terrible golfers.  The trailing threesome couldn't get their attention and the group in front never offered to let them play through.
The threesome quickly began to lose patience over the slow play.
Finally the golf course ranger came up on the group.  The doctor complained about the slow group and even the minister lodged a complaint.
The ranger's reply was that you must be newer members and not know about what happened.  About 5years ago, the clubhouse caught fire.  These men were part of the firemen that came to put out the blaze.  A terrible tragedy occurred.  They fell through the roof and as a result they are all blind.  As a result, the club lets them play whenever they want.

The doctor is empathetic and says that he knows people in the medical community.  Maybe they could be re-examined to see if at least partial sight could be restored.
The minister says that the church should reach out to the men and maybe have a covered dish supper to minister to them and have some members visit.
The engineer asks why can't they play at night?????

------------------------------
Robert Lee
Alabama DOT
P.E.,M.ASCE
Montgomery,AL[

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------

Back in the late 1970s, early 1980s, when the price of oil skyrocketed,
the demand for civil engineers in Houston,Texas, matched that spiral.

Of course, the good-natured...mainly...jesting between us New York Yankees and
the Longhorns and Aggies provided many opportunities for laughs.
One of my favorites follows.

After hours of good-natured ribbing. . . and a few brews. . . between the NY Yankee and the cowboy civil engineers,
the cowboy just had enough of the "Yes, us NY Yankees can do anything, and do it better!"

So by now, the sun had set, and it was a particularly dark night. So the cowboy said, as he took out his
powerful single beam flashlight, and held it so that the beam went vertical, straight up into the dark, night sky,
"Can you climb this beam up into the night sky?"

Without hesitation, the New York engineer said "Of course I can, but I won't!"

"Why not?" asked the cowboy?

"Because after I get halfway up,
you'll just turn the flashlight off!"


------------------------------
William M. Hayden Jr., Ph.D., P.E., CMQ/OE, F.ASCE
Buffalo, N.Y.

"It is never too late to be what you might have been." -- George Eliot 1819 - 1880
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 06-26-2019 10:18
From: Jeffrey Decoteau
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What did the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall?........ Dam!


------------------------------
Jeffrey Decoteau P.E.,M.ASCE
Senior Project Manager
Stanley Consulting< Inc
Baton Rouge LA
(225) 246-8620

Original Message:
Sent: 06-26-2019 09:37
From: Robert Lee
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

Engineers are often perceived to be cold and calculating.  My favorite engineer joke plays on that theme:

One day a physician, a minister and an engineer were playing golf together.  The threesome came up on a group in front of them that were terrible golfers.  The trailing threesome couldn't get their attention and the group in front never offered to let them play through.
The threesome quickly began to lose patience over the slow play.
Finally the golf course ranger came up on the group.  The doctor complained about the slow group and even the minister lodged a complaint.
The ranger's reply was that you must be newer members and not know about what happened.  About 5years ago, the clubhouse caught fire.  These men were part of the firemen that came to put out the blaze.  A terrible tragedy occurred.  They fell through the roof and as a result they are all blind.  As a result, the club lets them play whenever they want.

The doctor is empathetic and says that he knows people in the medical community.  Maybe they could be re-examined to see if at least partial sight could be restored.
The minister says that the church should reach out to the men and maybe have a covered dish supper to minister to them and have some members visit.
The engineer asks why can't they play at night?????

------------------------------
Robert Lee
Alabama DOT
P.E.,M.ASCE
Montgomery,AL[

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------

In a hot summer day, a senior structural engineer fell in love with a lady who crossed the street. The engineer started following that lady to communicate his feelings. The lady was living on 46th floor, in a high rise residential and unluckily the power was shutdown that day all over the city. Since the elevator was out of service, the lady had to take stairs all the way to 46th floor and the structural engineer was still following. After 45 minute walk up the stairs, the lady arrived to her apartment. She left a note on the door saying, ''Sorry nobody is at home.'' A few minutes after the engineer with his blue backpack, very exhausted and and with sweat all over, arrived and read her notice left on the door. The structural engineer got nervous and took out his pen and left a comment saying ''No! I didn't not follow you!"

------------------------------
Sayed Maqsood S.M.ASCE
Currently Looking for Employment
Alameda CA
(510)830-6285
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------

A joke or a little story? . . . but it is all about engineers.

It was during the good old days. Frank was worried about his daughter Josephine. She hardly hangs out with boys, instead buries herself in reading novels – Jane Austen and all that . . . Good Lord, how will she ever get married?

But one day a matchmaker arrived with a marriage proposal. An engineer wanted to marry Josie. Frank and his wife Mary got very excited, and went to their daughter to declare the good news. But Josie was not in a mood, and flatly denied to marry. She had an eye for a neighborhood boy, but never told her parents. Anyway after long persuasion, she agreed to meet the engineer.

The well-dressed engineer came on a good day riding on a fancy horse-drawn carriage. Mary made sure that Josie had the right makeup and dress. They talked and dined, and finally the engineer left.

Mary asked, "Josie dear, isn't he a nice gentleman? What do you think?"

Josie angrily replied, "What do I think! Mom, the guy even did not bring a nice flower. He was talking to you and dad all the time, without even looking at me, as if I do not exist. No way, I am not going to marry that man." So saying Josie stormed out of the room.

Frank and Mary got utterly disappointed. Then Mary smiled to Frank, "Wait, I have got an idea." Josie had a broken mirror in her room, it was her favorite. Frank bought her a new mirror, but Josie would not let the old broken one go.

Mary went to Josie's room, and comforted her. Then she said, "You know Josie, the engineer can fix your mirror."

Suddenly, Josie's face brightened up, "Really, mom?"

"Of course, dear! Engineers can fix anything.", Came the reply from the hopeful mother.

Smile came on Josie's face, she hugged her mother, "Ok, I will do it."

Frank never asked Mary about her magic, but they became a happy parent to see their daughter getting married.

------------------------------
Dr. Dilip Barua, Ph.D, P.Eng, M. ASCE
Vancouver, BC, Canada
Website: https://widecanvas.weebly.com
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 06-26-2019 19:51
From: Sayed Maqsood
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

In a hot summer day, a senior structural engineer fell in love with a lady who crossed the street. The engineer started following that lady to communicate his feelings. The lady was living on 46th floor, in a high rise residential and unluckily the power was shutdown that day all over the city. Since the elevator was out of service, the lady had to take stairs all the way to 46th floor and the structural engineer was still following. After 45 minute walk up the stairs, the lady arrived to her apartment. She left a note on the door saying, ''Sorry nobody is at home.'' A few minutes after the engineer with his blue backpack, very exhausted and and with sweat all over, arrived and read her notice left on the door. The structural engineer got nervous and took out his pen and left a comment saying ''No! I didn't not follow you!"

------------------------------
Sayed Maqsood S.M.ASCE
Currently Looking for Employment
Alameda CA
(510)830-6285

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------

It was one of those days during the French Revolution: Three men were lined up to be executed by the Guillotine. The first, a priest, asked as his last wish, to have his face pointing upward so that he could see God. He was granted his wish. As the blade raced downward, it stopped just an inch above his neck. A miracle, praise the Lord. The second man, a Mathematician, asked to have his face upward too since it seems to improve the odds of survival. Once again the blade whizzed down, only to stop an inch above his neck. Mathematics helps. The third was an Engineer. He asked for the same because he wanted to see what's wrong with the Guillotine. When it stopped one inch above his neck, he exclaimed: I see why it stopped, there's a screw blocking it. So they fixed it; it was his last engineering advice.

------------------------------
Neil Kazen, M.Eng., M.Sc., P.Eng.
FASCE, FCPCI, FEC,
Retired Structural Engineering Manager, Transportation Division, SNC-Lavalin
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------

It was a roaring crowd at the annual Engineer's Convention.  During the proceedings a member of each engineering discipline was given a chance to expand upon their role in the engineering field.  A Mechanical Engineer rose to the podium first and exclaimed, "I'm certain that God must have been a Mechanical Engineer.  Look at the skeletal bone structure, the way in which each joint smoothly rotates, and how muscles and tendons oversee a vast range of motion.  God's roots must be in Mechanical Engineering."  The crowd was impressed, but then the next to rise and speak was an Electrical Engineer.  "I'm even more certain that God was an Electrical Engineer!  Look at the nervous system, how tiny electrical impulses control every bodily function, and how messages are sent to and from the brain instantaneously.  Yes, God had to have been an Electrical Engineer."  Not to be outdone, the Civil Engineer came up to the stage last and exclaimed, "God most certainly had to have been a Civil Engineer!  Who else would install a waste treatment plant next to a recreation area?"

------------------------------
Daniel Dovey P.E.,M.ASCE
Engineer III
King County DOT
Bellevue WA

------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 06-27-2019 13:11
From: Neil Kazen
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

It was one of those days during the French Revolution: Three men were lined up to be executed by the Guillotine. The first, a priest, asked as his last wish, to have his face pointing upward so that he could see God. He was granted his wish. As the blade raced downward, it stopped just an inch above his neck. A miracle, praise the Lord. The second man, a Mathematician, asked to have his face upward too since it seems to improve the odds of survival. Once again the blade whizzed down, only to stop an inch above his neck. Mathematics helps. The third was an Engineer. He asked for the same because he wanted to see what's wrong with the Guillotine. When it stopped one inch above his neck, he exclaimed: I see why it stopped, there's a screw blocking it. So they fixed it; it was his last engineering advice.

------------------------------
Neil Kazen, M.Eng., M.Sc., P.Eng.
FASCE, FCPCI, FEC,
Retired Structural Engineering Manager, Transportation Division, SNC-Lavalin
Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------

Here is a fun joke that I heard:

Want to hear a joke about construction?  I'm still working on it...


------------------------------
Jameelah Ingram P.E., M. ASCE
Washington, D.C.
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 06-28-2019 12:54
From: Daniel Dovey
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

It was a roaring crowd at the annual Engineer's Convention.  During the proceedings a member of each engineering discipline was given a chance to expand upon their role in the engineering field.  A Mechanical Engineer rose to the podium first and exclaimed, "I'm certain that God must have been a Mechanical Engineer.  Look at the skeletal bone structure, the way in which each joint smoothly rotates, and how muscles and tendons oversee a vast range of motion.  God's roots must be in Mechanical Engineering."  The crowd was impressed, but then the next to rise and speak was an Electrical Engineer.  "I'm even more certain that God was an Electrical Engineer!  Look at the nervous system, how tiny electrical impulses control every bodily function, and how messages are sent to and from the brain instantaneously.  Yes, God had to have been an Electrical Engineer."  Not to be outdone, the Civil Engineer came up to the stage last and exclaimed, "God most certainly had to have been a Civil Engineer!  Who else would install a waste treatment plant next to a recreation area?"

------------------------------
Daniel Dovey P.E.,M.ASCE
Engineer III
King County DOT
Bellevue WA


Original Message:
Sent: 06-27-2019 13:11
From: Neil Kazen
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

It was one of those days during the French Revolution: Three men were lined up to be executed by the Guillotine. The first, a priest, asked as his last wish, to have his face pointing upward so that he could see God. He was granted his wish. As the blade raced downward, it stopped just an inch above his neck. A miracle, praise the Lord. The second man, a Mathematician, asked to have his face upward too since it seems to improve the odds of survival. Once again the blade whizzed down, only to stop an inch above his neck. Mathematics helps. The third was an Engineer. He asked for the same because he wanted to see what's wrong with the Guillotine. When it stopped one inch above his neck, he exclaimed: I see why it stopped, there's a screw blocking it. So they fixed it; it was his last engineering advice.

------------------------------
Neil Kazen, M.Eng., M.Sc., P.Eng.
FASCE, FCPCI, FEC,
Retired Structural Engineering Manager, Transportation Division, SNC-Lavalin
Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------

That's a great joke I have heard and repeated before. But it makes more sense to me to end with a line that God must NOT be a civil engineer. And to be more precise (and even worse from a CE perspective) for us males the waste water line is shared by the recreational area...

------------------------------
Brett Hoffstadt EIT,A.M.ASCE
Folsom CA
(916)845-8347
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 06-28-2019 12:54
From: Daniel Dovey
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

It was a roaring crowd at the annual Engineer's Convention.  During the proceedings a member of each engineering discipline was given a chance to expand upon their role in the engineering field.  A Mechanical Engineer rose to the podium first and exclaimed, "I'm certain that God must have been a Mechanical Engineer.  Look at the skeletal bone structure, the way in which each joint smoothly rotates, and how muscles and tendons oversee a vast range of motion.  God's roots must be in Mechanical Engineering."  The crowd was impressed, but then the next to rise and speak was an Electrical Engineer.  "I'm even more certain that God was an Electrical Engineer!  Look at the nervous system, how tiny electrical impulses control every bodily function, and how messages are sent to and from the brain instantaneously.  Yes, God had to have been an Electrical Engineer."  Not to be outdone, the Civil Engineer came up to the stage last and exclaimed, "God most certainly had to have been a Civil Engineer!  Who else would install a waste treatment plant next to a recreation area?"

------------------------------
Daniel Dovey P.E.,M.ASCE
Engineer III
King County DOT
Bellevue WA


Original Message:
Sent: 06-27-2019 13:11
From: Neil Kazen
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

It was one of those days during the French Revolution: Three men were lined up to be executed by the Guillotine. The first, a priest, asked as his last wish, to have his face pointing upward so that he could see God. He was granted his wish. As the blade raced downward, it stopped just an inch above his neck. A miracle, praise the Lord. The second man, a Mathematician, asked to have his face upward too since it seems to improve the odds of survival. Once again the blade whizzed down, only to stop an inch above his neck. Mathematics helps. The third was an Engineer. He asked for the same because he wanted to see what's wrong with the Guillotine. When it stopped one inch above his neck, he exclaimed: I see why it stopped, there's a screw blocking it. So they fixed it; it was his last engineering advice.

------------------------------
Neil Kazen, M.Eng., M.Sc., P.Eng.
FASCE, FCPCI, FEC,
Retired Structural Engineering Manager, Transportation Division, SNC-Lavalin
Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------

I recall hearing this at an ASCE convention held sometime after the 1993 flooding in the Midwest.  My apologies to the original storyteller.

A minister was standing in the churchyard when the county engineer came by and said, "Reverend, you'd better leave because the river is rising."  The minister replied, "Thank you, but the Lord will take care of me."

Later the minister is on the church steps, water lapping at his feet.  The county sheriff came by in a boat and said, "Reverend, the river will be rising higher.  Get in and we'll take you to safety."  The minister replied, "Thank you, but the Lord will take care of me."

Still later the minister is on the church roof, the water still rising.  A Coast Guard helicopter came by and a rescuer called out, "Reverend, we'll save you.  Climb aboard."  The minister replied, "Thank you, but the Lord will take care of me."

Later, as the minister was checking in at the Pearly Gates, he said, "Lord, I thought you would take care of me."  The Lord replied, "Reverend, I sent three messengers."

------------------------------
Ed Fischer, M.ASCE
Hydrologist, Retired
Iowa City, IA
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------

My favorite engineering joke. I'm sorry this is a day late.

Q: How can you tell the difference between an extroverted and an introverted engineer? 
A: The extroverted engineer looks at YOUR shoes when you meet them.

------------------------------
Stephen Niemeyer P.E.,M.ASCE
Deputy Director, Environmental Services Department, Jefferson County Commission
Birmingham AL
(512) 638-3415
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------

Q: What did one concrete slab say to the other concrete slab? 
A: Lets get crackin!

------------------------------
Alice Roache A.M.ASCE
Engineer
OHM Advisors
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 07-02-2019 16:29
From: Stephen Niemeyer
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

My favorite engineering joke. I'm sorry this is a day late.

Q: How can you tell the difference between an extroverted and an introverted engineer?
A: The extroverted engineer looks at YOUR shoes when you meet them.

------------------------------
Stephen Niemeyer P.E.,M.ASCE
Deputy Director, Environmental Services Department, Jefferson County Commission
Birmingham AL
(512) 638-3415

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------

Just one that the Waste Department personnel like to constantly remind me of when they see me...

Q:  Does anyone know the difference between cowboy boots and engineering boots?

A:  Yes.  The BS is on the outside of the cowboy's boots.

------------------------------
James Hollen P.E.,M.ASCE
City Engineer
BUCKHANNON WV
(304)472-1651 EXT 1006
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 07-03-2019 09:19
From: Alice Roache
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

Q: What did one concrete slab say to the other concrete slab?
A: Lets get crackin!

------------------------------
Alice Roache A.M.ASCE
Engineer
OHM Advisors

Original Message:
Sent: 07-02-2019 16:29
From: Stephen Niemeyer
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

My favorite engineering joke. I'm sorry this is a day late.

Q: How can you tell the difference between an extroverted and an introverted engineer?
A: The extroverted engineer looks at YOUR shoes when you meet them.

------------------------------
Stephen Niemeyer P.E.,M.ASCE
Deputy Director, Environmental Services Department, Jefferson County Commission
Birmingham AL
(512) 638-3415

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------

I'm sure I heard this in college.

What's the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer? A mechanical engineer builds weapons and a civil engineer builds targets.

------------------------------
David Hook P.E.,M.ASCE
CIVIL ENGINEER
San Jose CA
(408) 226-1728
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
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I was going to submit that one here. Thanks David. Except I learned and repeat it as the difference between aerospace engineers and civil engineers.

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Brett Hoffstadt EIT,A.M.ASCE
Folsom CA
(916)845-8347
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 07-03-2019 12:04
From: David Hook
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

I'm sure I heard this in college.

What's the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer? A mechanical engineer builds weapons and a civil engineer builds targets.

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David Hook P.E.,M.ASCE
CIVIL ENGINEER
San Jose CA
(408) 226-1728

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------

Two civil engineering students meet and one has a bike. The other say "Cool bike. Where did you get it?" The first engineer says that a woman riding the bike stopped in front of him, laid the bike down, took off all her clothes and said "Take what you want".   The other engineer thought for a moment and said, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't fit".

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Thomas Zannino P.E.,M.ASCE
Pres
Manakin Sabot VA
(804) 262-0299
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------

An engineer and a lawyer were enjoying tropical drinks on a Tahiti beach. The engineer asked the lawyer, "How did you end up here?" The lawyer replied that he built a successful practice in criminal law and then built an extravagant home in the mountains outside the city. Then one day, the home burned to the ground. After receiving his insurance money he decided to retire and spend the rest of his life in Tahiti. The engineer said his story was similar. He built a successful practice and built a magnificent home in the mountains. Then an earthquake of unprecedented intensity destroyed the home. He took his insurance money and moved to Tahiti where he intended to spend the rest of his days. The lawyer looked at the engineer and asked, "How do you start an earthquake?"

------------------------------
Steve Torkildson P.E.,M.ASCE
Technical Specialist
Greer SC
(612)214-1270
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------

I had not heard that one before.  Thanks for a nice hearty laugh!

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Herbert Raybourn P.E.,M.ASCE
Manager, Environmental Permitting Department
Walt Disney World Resort
Lake Buena Vista FL
(407)390-5215
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 07-03-2019 14:37
From: Steve Torkildson
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

An engineer and a lawyer were enjoying tropical drinks on a Tahiti beach. The engineer asked the lawyer, "How did you end up here?" The lawyer replied that he built a successful practice in criminal law and then built an extravagant home in the mountains outside the city. Then one day, the home burned to the ground. After receiving his insurance money he decided to retire and spend the rest of his life in Tahiti. The engineer said his story was similar. He built a successful practice and built a magnificent home in the mountains. Then an earthquake of unprecedented intensity destroyed the home. He took his insurance money and moved to Tahiti where he intended to spend the rest of his days. The lawyer looked at the engineer and asked, "How do you start an earthquake?"

------------------------------
Steve Torkildson P.E.,M.ASCE
Technical Specialist
Greer SC
(612)214-1270

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------

A female civil engineer is doing a field survey and finds a talking frog. "Kiss me and I'll turn into a prince and marry you," it says. The engineer excitedly picks up the frog and continues with her job. And she doesn't kiss it. Finally the frog asks, "Aren't you going to kiss me?" She says, "What? No. I don't have time to be with a prince. But a talking frog - that's a keeper!"
You can reverse the genders - also a funny joke. I mixed it up for you.

------------------------------
Brett Hoffstadt EIT,A.M.ASCE
Folsom CA
(916)845-8347
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------

An Hydraulic Engineer that could not swim determined that the average depth of a river was 3.57 feet. He tried to wade across and drowned.

------------------------------
Robert Parisi P.E.,F.ASCE
Chief Traffic Eng
Dumont NJ
(201) 385-3256
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 07-03-2019 14:46
From: Brett Hoffstadt
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

A female civil engineer is doing a field survey and finds a talking frog. "Kiss me and I'll turn into a prince and marry you," it says. The engineer excitedly picks up the frog and continues with her job. And she doesn't kiss it. Finally the frog asks, "Aren't you going to kiss me?" She says, "What? No. I don't have time to be with a prince. But a talking frog - that's a keeper!"
You can reverse the genders - also a funny joke. I mixed it up for you.

------------------------------
Brett Hoffstadt EIT,A.M.ASCE
Folsom CA
(916)845-8347

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------

Robert,

I love it. This is very funny, and yet important as well. One of the biggest challenges of my career involved erroneous open channel flow calculations where the engineers involved used average side slopes and not actual side slopes. It made a huge, huge difference, forcing us to go back to the beginning on the flood management project.

Thanks.

------------------------------
David Hook P.E.,M.ASCE
CIVIL ENGINEER
San Jose CA
(408) 226-1728
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 07-16-2019 12:04
From: Robert Parisi
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

An Hydraulic Engineer that could not swim determined that the average depth of a river was 3.57 feet. He tried to wade across and drowned.

------------------------------
Robert Parisi P.E.,F.ASCE
Chief Traffic Eng
Dumont NJ
(201) 385-3256

Original Message:
Sent: 07-03-2019 14:46
From: Brett Hoffstadt
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

A female civil engineer is doing a field survey and finds a talking frog. "Kiss me and I'll turn into a prince and marry you," it says. The engineer excitedly picks up the frog and continues with her job. And she doesn't kiss it. Finally the frog asks, "Aren't you going to kiss me?" She says, "What? No. I don't have time to be with a prince. But a talking frog - that's a keeper!"
You can reverse the genders - also a funny joke. I mixed it up for you.

------------------------------
Brett Hoffstadt EIT,A.M.ASCE
Folsom CA
(916)845-8347

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------

Some wise guys show a Civil Engineer an 8 ounce glass with 4 ounces of water in it.  They ask him the age old question "Is the glass half empty or half full?"

The Civil Engineer responds "The glass is twice as big as it needs to be."

------------------------------
Robert Parisi P.E.,F.ASCE
Chief Traffic Eng
Dumont NJ
(201) 385-3256
------------------------------

Original Message:
Sent: 07-03-2019 14:46
From: Brett Hoffstadt
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

A female civil engineer is doing a field survey and finds a talking frog. "Kiss me and I'll turn into a prince and marry you," it says. The engineer excitedly picks up the frog and continues with her job. And she doesn't kiss it. Finally the frog asks, "Aren't you going to kiss me?" She says, "What? No. I don't have time to be with a prince. But a talking frog - that's a keeper!"
You can reverse the genders - also a funny joke. I mixed it up for you.

------------------------------
Brett Hoffstadt EIT,A.M.ASCE
Folsom CA
(916)845-8347

Original Message:
Sent: 06-25-2019 13:57
From: Tirza Austin
Subject: Civil Engineering Jokes

What are your favorite Civil Engineering jokes? International Joke Day is on Monday, July 1st. We are looking for some of your favorites to share on our social media channels. Please use this thread to share your best CE jokes.

------------------------------
Tirza Austin
Senior Coordinator, Online Community
American Society of Civil Engineers
1801 Alexander Bell Drive
Reston, VA 20191
------------------------------